Learning to Set Healthy Boundaries
December 8th, 2022
4 min read
Everything you need to know.
Written by Simon Spichak
How do you deal with people saying or doing things that you don’t like? One of your friends might be a bad influence, and knowing you’re a pushover, get you to skip studying and party instead. Other times, someone might use a nickname that you don’t appreciate. Or your parents might not respect or understand why you decided to switch programs in universities.
Setting healthy boundaries can help you navigate these difficult social situations. They are an important aspect of self-care and key to maintain healthy relationships. So what are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and others in order to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They help us to establish our own personal values, communicate our needs, and tell others what kind of behavior is appropriate and tolerable.
Setting healthy boundaries involves setting limits on how much time, energy, and emotional labor we are willing to give to others. It means knowing our own limits and being able to say "no" when something feels overwhelming or uncomfortable. It also means setting boundaries around our physical space and personal belongings, and being clear about what is and is not acceptable in our relationships.
How to Set Boundaries
One of the first steps in setting healthy boundaries is to identify our own values and needs. This involves introspection and self-reflection, as well as considering our past experiences and how they have shaped our boundaries. It is also helpful to consider what our non-negotiables are, and to be clear about them with ourselves and others.
Figuring out your values
Here are some questions you should ask yourself when you’re setting up boundaries:
Do you want more time for yourself?
What kinds of activities do you value?
How do you want to split up your time?
What behaviors/activities are you absolutely not okay with?
What behaviors/activities are you willing to try?
You might want to see what kinds of boundaries you set in the past. Boundaries can be very rigid, meaning that they are strict. The downside of rigid boundaries is that you might miss out on spontaneity or stepping out of your comfort zone. You might have porous boundaries, where you don’t necessarily assert them well. Someone can push you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.
Setting up your boundaries
Once we have identified our values and needs, we can begin to set boundaries with others. This involves being assertive and communicating our boundaries clearly and directly. There is also no point in having a three-hour long chat if the other person keeps demanding you explain every single point. Remember that you are setting boundaries for your own mental health and don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Boundaries work well when there are consequences for people who cross them. For example, if someone starts doing something you feel is disrespectful, like teasing you in ways you don’t like, you could walk away. Here are some other tips for setting and enforcing boundaries:
Be consistent with applying the boundaries. If you say you don’t answer any emails after 5 P.M., never answer any emails after 5 P.M.
Tell people your boundaries early on, don’t wait until they get crossed
Start with something small before building your way up
Practice saying no
Practice using assertive language like “I need you to stop” instead of “Could you stop that?”
Learning when you want to be flexible
Another important aspect of setting healthy boundaries is being willing to compromise and adjust them as needed. This might involve negotiating with others to find a solution that works for both parties, or it might involve reassessing boundaries and deciding to let go of some of them.
Takeaway
Setting up and keeping healthy boundaries is important for self-care and healthy relationships. You can set boundaries in romantic relationships, friendships, work, with family members, and many other aspects of your lives. It involves being clear about your values and needs, communicating your boundaries assertively, enforcing your boundaries, and being willing to compromise and adjust them as needed.
Please note that this post is written for educational purposes, it is not therapy. If you need to talk to a professional please book a consultation with a psychotherapist through Resolvve.
