One Simple Way to Regulate Emotions
Aug 2nd, 2021
5 min read
Learning to regulate emotional expression is an invaluable life skill. Here’s one effective way to learn how to do it fast.
Written by Noah Tile,
Registered Psychotherapist
Just because we feel like doing something, it doesn’t mean we always should. It makes sense to act on our emotional desires when it aligns with our values. Otherwise, it is best to find ways to restrain, refrain and regulate.
Experiencing intense emotions creates strong urges for us to speak or act in certain ways. There is often a trigger that we experience, which can come from different places. It can arise internally, be it an intrusive thought or body sensation. It can also come from an interaction with other people or objects in our world.
Experiencing such a trigger can cause physiological changes, as well as changes in our feelings, thoughts, and desires to act. These changes urge us to act in a certain way. It can feel like there is no other choice in the matter.
A Case Scenario
Let's look at anger in the following scenario:
You live at home, or are home for the weekend.
A trigger arises.
Let's say it is a parent telling you to please set the table for dinner. For whatever reason, once you hear those three words, 'set the table,' you feel hot and your teeth clench. You feel the muscles in your body tensing up. Thoughts race through your head:
"Why me!? Why doesn’t Angie ever have to set the table?! AHH! This is sooo annoying!"
Your breathing gets shallower. If you were to name the emotion, it would be anger, frustration, irritation.
You have a strong desire to yell back at your parents:
"NO! I will not set the table. Ask Angie for once! You are always asking me and never her!"
You do not want to do this tedious chore. You want to tell them off.
So, what do you do? You feel powerless to act against your feelings and the thoughts in your head. The urges you feel inside to refuse and act out are strong. You cannot imagine doing the opposite of what your mind, feelings, and urges tell you to do. No way!
And yet, a part of you knows it is wrong to yell at them. After all, it is important for you to respect your parents. Besides, who is cooking the meal that you are being asked to set the table for? You know from past experience that once you raise your voice in a visible display of indignation, no one wins.
What to do
Opposite action is a skill that comes from the world of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT is a form of behavior therapy that has a strong focus on building skills to promote mental health. It comes from the work of Dr. Marsha Linehan, who is a clinical psychologist and pioneer in mental health.
There are four main areas: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. Opposite action comes from the area of emotion regulation (Linehan 2015).
It is quite straightforward. Whenever we experience an emotion, it leads to an urge to act in a certain way.
One way to regulate our emotions is to do the exact opposite of what our urges tell us to do.
For anger, we might have the urge to, yell, fight, attack, ‘get even’. We then practice communicating calmly and have some breathing room
For sadness, we might have the urge to withdraw and isolate. Instead, we reach out and engage with the world
If we are anxious, we might have the desire to avoid and run away, so instead of approach what we fear.
We act opposite.
“One way to regulate our emotions is to do the exact opposite of what our urges tell us to do. ”
There are times when it is appropriate to act on our emotional desires. Sometimes our anxiety points to real things we need to avoid. Our friend continues to hurt us or someone we love, and raising our voice in anger will get the message across that we will no longer tolerate it. Or, in the positive sense, when we love someone, there are times we have an insatiable urge to tell them so. There are many healthy expressions of our emotions through action.
And yet, as we know all too well, acting on our emotional instincts and urges is not always smart. Sometimes we have a clear sense that what we desire to do goes against our values and can hurt others. This doesn't mean that we should suppress our feelings. Rather, we can feel our feelings, letting them sit there within us, riding the waves of desire, and yet not act on them.
Take someone who is trying to eat healthier. They may have a desire to eat a second or third piece of chocolate cake, but the desire does not take away their freedom. They can choose to act the opposite of their urges; they can walk from the cake and from the allure it has on their senses.
And this is opposite action in a nutshell.
When angry, speaking in a calm voice can abate the anger, rather than reinforce it. See more here about the challenges to the idea that “venting” is the best way to regulate emotion. When feeling depressed, staying at home and doing nothing is not a long-term solution. This is why behavioral activation is so effective for depression. It teaches us that re-engaging with the world can reduce depression symptoms. Instead of doing what depression wants us to do, we act opposite.
In a simple rule:
When acting on our emotional urges is not going to be helpful and goes against our values, try doing the opposite of what the desire tells you.
See how this impacts your emotional well-being.
When acting on our emotional urges is not going to be helpful and goes against our values, try doing the opposite of what the desire tells you.
**Please note, this is article is not therapy or a replacement for it. Engaging with it does not constitute a therapeutic relationship of any kind with the writer. Please seek professional help if needed.**
