How to Stop Being A People Pleaser
Published September 19th, 2024
5.5 min read
Many of us are afraid to tell others no because we don’t want them to think less of us. Here are some ways to stop being a people pleaser and prioritize your time and needs instead.
Written by Simon Spichak
Do you have trouble saying no to others and setting healthy boundaries? Are you worried about others thinking less of you if you say no? You might be a people pleaser. While there’s nothing wrong with helping others, constantly focusing on the needs of others instead of yourself can make you feel frustrated and unfulfilled. Here are some steps you can take to stop being a people pleaser.
Set healthy boundaries
Family, friends, co-workers, and other loved ones may make comments or requests that make you feel uncomfortable. They may say something negative about your weight, impose on your time or schedule, or provide unwanted advice or suggestions.
When someone says or does something that you don’t like repeatedly, you should set boundaries to stop these unwanted comments and behaviours. Sometimes, it might mean being adamant about saying “no,” “I don’t want any advice,” or stepping outside the room or situation.
Communicate clear boundaries. You might say: “I don’t like it that you keep asking me when I’m going to get married.”
Create consequences. You might tell the other person that you will step out of the room or stop visiting so often if they keep up with unwanted comments or behaviours. You need to commit to these boundaries — that way, you can save face, and the person you’re setting boundaries with will be more likely to respect your boundaries.
Say no
Whether it’s covering a shift for a coworker, going to a party, or refusing food from grandparents when you’re full, many of us struggle to say no even when we want to.
There are many reasons that we oblige with uncomfortable requests including:
Fear that others will think that you’re selfish
Fear of missing out
Comparing yourself to others who might be taking on more things than you
Difficulty setting boundaries
Fear of how others might respond
Saying no doesn’t have to be complicated, but it takes practice. Here are some tips you can use:
Just say no. You don’t owe anyone an excuse or explanation. Telling the other person no is more than enough.
Avoid saying “maybe” or “I need to think about it.” People value honesty, even when it comes to telling somebody no.
Express gratitude that someone thought of you. You can definitely be kind and courteous by thanking someone for offering the opportunity before saying no.
Thank you, but that is not the case for me.
I don’t have the capacity to do this right now.
I can’t help with the request, but you can talk to X.
Stop apologizing for things outside of your control
According to a YouGov poll, 24 percent of people regularly apologize for things that don’t require an apology. While saying sorry could help ease tension in a conversation, it can undermine your confidence and affect how others see you at work.
You don’t need to apologize for your health, for taking up space in a meeting, speaking up, sharing ideas, or correcting others at work.
Take some time to track how often you apologize throughout the day. Are there any specific situations or people with which you overapologize? Learn to spot these scenarios and take extra time to pause when you find yourself in the same situation to avoid apologizing.
Practice prioritizing your needs and hobbies
People pleasers can be so busy helping others that they neglect their own needs.
It is okay to plan to do something you like — whether joining a recreational league to play your favourite sport, going to the movies on your own, or treating yourself to a nice restaurant meal. Alternatively, rest and recharge at home for a day or two.
Think about whether all your friendships and relationships are worth it. In some cases, people pleasers can be taken advantage of. It is essential to recognize when these relationships have run their course and prioritize spending time with people who don’t require you to constantly be a people pleaser.
How Resolvve can help
Therapy isn’t just for treating mental health conditions. A therapist can also help you learn how to become more assertive, set healthy boundaries, say no, and prioritize your needs. If you’re thinking of giving it a try, Resolve has a lot of resources about therapy to help you get informed before the first visit:
When you’re ready to take the next step, you can get matched to a therapist or book a free consultation.
Please note that this post is written for educational purposes; it is not therapy. If you need to talk to a professional, please book a consultation with a psychotherapist through Resolvve.
