One Powerful Way to Build Self Confidence
Nov 1st, 2021
What if you learned to do the things you said you would?
Written by Noah Tile
It’s 12PM.
You and your friend have made definitive plans to meet for lunch and coffee at the new local sandwich bar.
You’re excited and ready to go!
12:05PM.
You look at your watch and notice the time. “Ok, I’m sure he’s just running late, but he’ll be here soon.”
12:15PM. You call. No answer.
You send a text. “Hey, hope all is well! Just checking in. I’m at the restaurant. Are you still coming?
12:30PM. You’ve left the restaurant and you are confused, slightly rattled, frustrated. Your confidence is a little shot, but you are sure there is a reasonable explanation for this.
Later that evening, you get a text:
“AHHHH! I’m so so so sorry. I got caught up at work; a meeting went late and then I COMPLETELY FORGOT about our plans. I’m so embarrassed. Let me make it up to you. Tomorrow, let’s meet, same time, I’m buying!”
You say in response: “no worries, it happens; I completely understand. For sure, confirming for tomorrow. See you then and looking forward!”
And then, tomorrow, the exact same thing happens.
And this time he says, in addition: “please, please give me one more chance, just one more chance to make it up to you.
Foolishly, you agree, and at 12:30PM, after walking out for the third time in a row with a no-show, you are mad, but also slightly amused.
You think to yourself, “this is a bit of a joke. I can’t take this guy seriously anymore. There’s no way I’m ever making plans with him again. He just doesn’t care about my time.”
Your trust in him, your confidence is gone. He may apologize again. You might say “Look, I appreciate your apology, but right now, it just doesn’t seem you can make the commitment, so let’s just drop it. Forget about making a plan.”
Perhaps you feel some compassion, understanding, empathy. But you’re done wasting your time. No more dealing with this person for plans.
Now, what does this have to do with self-confidence?
Well, everything.
As funny as the above situation sounds, we do this to ourselves, all the time.
We are often the person making the plans and then forgetting, neglecting them.
We make commitments, create goals, set up routines and we don’t show up for them. Of course, there are legitimate reasons sometimes, and I do not intend to shame anyone who struggles with commitment. There are many reasons why, in isolated circumstances, this can be difficult for people.
But generally, our level of confidence lowers every time we ditch our own obligations. And yet, it’s even worse. With a friend, after one, two, maybe three times if they are lucky, we close the bottle cap and shut down any more plans until further notice. Just like we saw above. Maybe we still care about and value this person, while also feeling it’s not sensible to trust them.
Meanwhile, for ourselves, sometimes we make commitments hundreds of times, maybe thousands, or more. And every time, like the friend, we are nowhere to be found.
Rinse and repeat.
Imagine if you repeated this scenario with your friend hundreds of times. It would be inconceivable to do such a thing! It would be the definition of insanity.
Take a moment to internalize this. We are that person, the person who makes plans thousands of times and doesn’t show up. We are that person who pretends that the next time, maybe just maybe things will be different. Nothing changes.
It just. Doesn’t. Work.
So, here is what we can do differently to slowly build trust and confidence in ourselves?
#1 Become aware of this pattern
I hope this article has helped you with this stage. It is most important to see what we are doing, to observe ourselves treating ourselves the way we do when it comes to commitments. Becoming aware of it, instead of deluding ourselves that next time will be different is the first step.
#2 Stop taking on commitments
If it hasn’t been working, stop. It is better to say no than to say yes and not follow through. Sticking to a true no instead of a false yes, is the first step to rebuilding trust. It is an act of honesty, responsibility and integrity.
This step is the equivalent of your friend after the second time (minus the dramatics) saying:
“I am so sorry for doing this again. I think for now, I just have too much going on and I can’t commit, because I am just going to hurt you and myself.”
“Sticking to a true no instead of a false yes is the first step to rebuilding trust.”
So, it may be a disappointment, but it is also realistic and truthful. It represents maturity, the admission of mistakes, the recognition of what your limitations are right now.
Better to say no than yes and not follow through.
#3 Start smaller than you think you need to
While saying no is an option, so too is a saying yes, in a manageable and balanced way.
Commit in small ways, with small decisions, towards the actions you want to take, that will bring you slightly closer toward the person you want to be.
It can feel overwhelming to have to do it all. We all know unrealistic new year’s resolutions can disappear from memory. Remember that for the most part, change is not from 0-1, all at once. Try to get to 0.1 and slowly work your way up.
Be realistic. Although at certain times we can go from 0-1, growth and development is mostly sequential, slow, paced, realistic, grounded. One step in the right direction, every day, even if some days we walk a few steps backward.
This step is the equivalent of your friend saying after the second time:
“I know I’ve missed our last two meetings. I think I just have too much going on right now with work to get together during the day. I have a hard time saying no. Even though I would love to get together, I just can’t do it right now. Can I call you tomorrow evening, and we can chat for a little? I still really want to speak.”
This step is all about making realistic commitments. The sweet spot is often one that is maybe slightly above your comfort zone, but not too much.
Work on getting 0.1 better.
#4 Only make commitments you are willing to keep
This step is crucial. To build self-confidence and self-trust, it must start with follow-through.
Only make commitments you are willing to keep. Before taking anything on, ask yourself: am I willing to do this? If the answer is yes, then practice self-confidence in action, by living with integrity. And then reduce its scope, ever so slightly, just for good measure.
The equivalent of this step is your friend making that phone call when he said he would. And then, if he makes another plan, following through with that.
Over time, you start to see your friend become someone who does what they say. You start to believe them, to trust them, slowly but surely, day by day.
“Only make commitments you are willing to keep.”
Trust becomes restored each time we do what we say we will.
Of course, there are many reasons, both psychological, emotional, behavioral for people feeling they lack self-confidence. I know it doesn’t just have to do with self-trust and integrity. I know some people feel insecure about their appearance or intelligence and a whole host of different issues. This does not solve all of those problems.
But for those who doubt themselves to do what they say, try to implement what we have suggested and see what happens.
So our key takeaways are:
#1 Stop being the flakey friend
#2 Only commit to what you are willing to do
#3 Rinse and repeat
**Please note, this is article is not therapy or a replacement for it. Engaging with it does not constitute a therapeutic relationship of any kind with the writer. Please seek professional help if needed.**
