Becoming a Thankful Person
Nov 28th, 2021
6 minute read
Practicing gratitude is a small skill that can make a world of a difference.
Written by Noah Tile,
Registered Psychotherapist
Over the last decade or so, there has been an explosion of research on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits of gratitude in daily life. This post deals with how to make gratitude a staple part of your diet.
So why gratitude?
It is true that gratitude can have a positive effect on mental well-being, just like exercise, diet, or mindfulness. And yet, there is one possible difference between self-help tips in those categories and gratitude. Gratitude is inherently social, other-focused; it takes us, as the late Rabbi Sacks, of blessed memory, says: ‘from I, to we.’
Individualism can go a long way to ensure personal, human dignity, but it can also be profoundly alienating as social creatures, who evolve in groups and need to have a sense of belonging. A balance of both is crucial. Genuine gratitude is something we give, rather than take; yes it can improve our mental health, but it also contributes to making us better, kinder people.
So how can we bring the goodness of gratitude into our worlds?
Learning About Gratitude
To help us become more grateful, I want to source ideas from the Jewish tradition and modern psychology. Let’s start with Judaism.
Did you know that the word Jew or Yehudi, comes from the name Judah or Yehuda? The Biblical matriarch Leah names her child Yehuda/Judah, meaning “I will give thanks.” At that moment, she expresses gratitude to God, who granted her a child.
And so, a fun fact of trivia is that the word Jew means “thanks!”. It also comes from another root word, which means acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is also a huge part of gratitude.
Let’s now look at modern psychology. According to prominent researcher Robert Emmons, by definition, gratitude has two main components. First, it is a process of actively seeing and acknowledging the good, and second, it sources that good in something beyond oneself. We affirm the goodness, both of ourselves and beyond ourselves, whether that outside source is God, other human beings, or anything in the world at large. This can allow us to experience the positive impact of living with meaning, purpose, and a sense of transcendence, crucial to our quality of life.
“First, it is a process of actively seeing and acknowledging the good, and second, it sources that good in something beyond oneself. ”
So, in sum, in both Jewish tradition and psychology, it is vital we acknowledge the goodness and see how it comes from places outside of ourselves.
How to Be Grateful
Now let’s talk about how to be grateful. In the Jewish tradition, gratitude practices encompass three main components. The first component is ‘praise’, the second, ‘requests’, and the third, ‘thanks’. We will deal with the first and third for now, and tie in the second in the end.
Let’s start with the first component. Praise is an activity whereby we see and affirm what we love about others and the world. It is not saying thank you for a particular action, but rather it is sharing appreciation for what we love. The more details the better.
For example, today was the first snowfall of the season in Toronto. I could say, “I am grateful for snow.” Or I could say, “Wow, I love how pretty white snow is on evergreen trees. I love the crisp air and the snowflakes, the fresh tracks on the former grassy spots!”
I could say to my partner, “I am grateful for you.” Or I could say, “I love the way you smile at me, how you constantly look for ways to put a smile on my face, how generous and loyal you are.” (I could even give examples of all of these)
The second component is thanksgiving. With thanksgiving, we say thank you for particular acts of kindness others have done for us, and we share how much that act means to us. Again, it’s all in the details. I could say “thank you so much for a delicious dinner,” or I could also say “thank you so much for the delicious stir fry you made. The tofu was so crispy and perfect; the sauce was savory and sweet and it means so much that you took the time after work to do that for me.”
Of course, praise and thanks can go together as one entity when it comes to gratitude; just make sure both are present in healthy doses, with lots of descriptive details to boot!
Some Ways to Practice
A couple of suggestions for putting this into practice; I recommend the following:
#1 Gratitude Log
Grab a pen and paper, or your notes app. Before bed or in the morning record the following:
a. Write down one thing you notice that you love about someone or something (praise).
b. Write down one thing that happened today, which you appreciated (thanks).
c. And, at the end of a week, add something that you are looking forward to.
#2 Gratitude Letter
Write a letter to a loved one, combining a dosage of praise and thanks for who they are, what they mean to you, and what they may have recently done for you that touched you. You can send these any time, or make sure at the very least to write good birthday cards!
In addition, it can’t hurt once in a while to thank and praise yourself for the tireless efforts you are making to be the best you
Either way, slow down, take your time and be thoughtful.
#3 Savouring
Savouring means to become present to and appreciate, in live time, enjoyable experiences one is having. In Judaism, we make blessings before partaking in many pleasurable events, such as drinking, eating, seeing a rainbow, or wearing a new piece of clothing we just purchased. Choose a moment and practice savouring. Use your senses as a window into the beauty of the experience and allow it to wash over you.
Making it Stick
The way to make this stick is to do this very regularly. You can set an alarm at a time that works for you; when the alarm sounds, stop what you are doing and write or savour. Don’t focus too much on how it makes you feel and whether it is ‘working.’ Do it because you value gratitude, and you know it can contribute to enriching your life and the life of others.
The more you practice, the more it becomes second nature, the more it becomes a part of your being. In Jewish practice, the first thing we do upon opening our eyes is say the Modeh Ani prayer. In Hebrew, Modeh Ani means, ‘thankful I am.’ Thankfulness is the first word on our tongue in a new day.
This is why Rabbi Sacks says:
“We thank before we think. Note that the normal word order is inverted: Modeh ani, not ani modeh, so that in Hebrew the ‘thanks’ comes before the ‘I.’”
Make it a part of you; make it so ingrained, that it becomes like the air you breathe.
This is why Rabbi Sacks says: “We thank before we think”
A Note on Guilt-Less Gratitude
Now briefly, let’s return to the second component, requests. In Judaism, in our path of prayer, we express appreciation, thanks and praise. But within that context, we also ask for what we might want and need. Asking for what we want, striving for more, is not the antithesis of gratitude. We can both be grateful for what we have and yet, also strive for more. Like Abraham Maslow demonstrated with his hierarchy of needs, wanting more is part of being human; but while we do so, we must pause, slow down and say thank you long the way.
And I too, want to thank you for reading. Hope it was helpful.
**Please note, this is article is not therapy or a replacement for it. Engaging with it does not constitute a therapeutic relationship of any kind with the writer. Please seek professional help if needed.**
