Issues with emotional regulation erode trust, safety, and intimacy in relationships. Here’s what’s happening in your brain and what couples can do about it.
Written by Simon Spichak, MSc, Co-Founder of Resolvve
You love your partner, but you have trouble controlling your emotions in the heat of the moment. A small problem, like tracking mud onto the clean floor turns into an argument without a resolution. Relationship issues stemming from emotional regulation problems slowly build up and erode intimacy.
In this blog, we’ll explain emotional regulation, how it breaks down even in close relationships, and what you can do to bolster these skills and ultimately build a healthier relationship.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, process, and respond to different emotions and situations without losing control. Rather than suppressing important emotions like uncertainty, fear, or anger, emotional regulation means pausing to understand what you’re feeling and responding intentionally.
When people experience strong positive or negative emotions, it activates parts of the brain including the amygdala and insula. These brain regions also track potential threats and respond to stress. These regions are regulated by areas of the prefrontal cortex — involved in complex tasks and planning — which puts a brake on impulsive reactions.
Why Emotional Regulation Falters in Relationships
When a conflict feels like a threat, the brain’s stress response system lights up. The prefrontal cortex which would normally help you pause is overwhelmed by the stress before you have time to choose a healthy response.
This becomes common when a partner in a relationship feels insecure, emotionally overloaded, or scared. These emotional states make it more difficult to regulate emotions. Unresolved trauma from previous relationships as well as an insecure attachment style, which makes it difficult to trust could also play a role. One partner seeks constant reassurance which leaves the other feeling suffocated, fueling emotional dysregulation on both sides.
As a result, emotional dysregulation — the inability to control one’s emotions effectively — starts to appear as:
- Feeling overwhelmed with emotions and unable to think
- Constant arguments that never resolve
- Saying or yelling things impulsively that you regret
- Stonewalling or shutting down midway through a conversation
“In order to protect themselves, a person gets very cold or snappy,” says Resolvve co-founder Noah Tile, RP. “They can’t express their true pain and frustration so they take it out on their partner by giving them the cold shoulder.”
Reacting vs. Responding
When your partner says “You never listen,” that upsets you.
The reaction is your automatic, emotion-driven response to the situation, like stonewalling or arguing in circles. Emotional flooding, the intense feelings that overwhelm your brain and body, often drives these impulsive reactions.
But emotional regulation requires an appropriate response — one that is intentional, aligned with your values, and works toward a resolution. “You can either win the argument, or win the relationship — rarely both,” says Ariella Boehm, RP, a couples therapist at Resolvve.
To go from reaction to response, you need an emotional pause. This allows your brain some time to process and make sure you’re reacting appropriately to the situation. In this case, that could involve discussing why your partner is upset and working toward tangible solutions. Say: “I hear you’re upset. Can we slow down and help me understand why?”
How Anger Shows Up in the Relationship
Anger isn’t a feeling that needs to be repressed. In a relationship, it acts as a signal that something is going wrong.
It could be healthy when one partner is establishing boundaries. They want to be able to have one weekend a month where they hang out with their friend group.
But dysregulated anger shows up as contempt, explosive outburst, passive-aggressive comments and stonewalling. When you experience these forms of anger, prioritize yourself first. Take some space, slow your breathing, and calm yourself before re-engaging and focusing on repairing the damage.
How Dysregulation Erodes Relationships
A relationship takes a time to erode — through the accumulation of small events. You might stop saying “Hello” to your partner when they walk through the door or scroll on your phone while eating dinner together. The little moments erode trust, safety, and intimacy at a pace that’s hard to notice. But eventually, the erosion leads to more dysregulated outburst and emotional distance.
Skills for Managing Emotions in Relationships
There are many practical strategies to help you regulate your emotions, including:
- Name it to tame it. Taking time to notice and label what you’re feeling reduces the intensity of your emotions. That gives you enough time to pause before responding.
- Step away to reset. Take a 20-minute break to help your body rest. Walk, breathe, or move. Avoid thinking about the argument while you step away.
- Practice slow, intentional communication. Try to be slow and lower your voice as you respond. Make sure your tone and words aren’t accusatory. Use “I” statements to avoid blaming your partner.
- Repair. Small gestures help de-escalate arguments. Acknowledge your partner’s hurt, validate their feelings, and use curiosity to ask questions like: “Can you help me understand how you feel right now?”
How Therapy Can Help
If you keep having the same arguments on repeat, emotional safety is breaking down, or it impacts your children, it may be time to speak with a professional.
“You can expect the therapist to pull you out of the weeds of your daily arguments — who said what, who forgot to do what — and help you look underneath the surface,” says Boehm. “Therapy teaches couples to identify the underlying emotional hunger—like the fear of abandonment or rejection—driving the conflict.”
Therapy starts with a consultation, which allows your therapist to meet the couple and learn their dynamics. After a couples session with both partners, each partner will meet with a therapist separately before coming back together.
The individual sessions are focused on understanding how your personal experiences and attachment style affect your relationship dynamics. Bringing back these details together into the therapist-couple triad allows you to build a common language around this history, and work through strategies that build intimacy and closeness.
If you’re ready to take the next step, you can book a free consultation with a couples therapist today.