What is Gaslighting?
Published October 2nd, 2023
4 min read
How to tell if you are being gaslit.
Written by Simon Spichak
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes someone doubt their experiences, memories, or sanity.
The term comes from a 1938 play, Gas Light, where a husband makes his wife question her sanity by changing the intensity of the gas lamps in the house. This eventually leaves the wife institutionalized, allowing the husband to steal her inheritance.
Gaslighting often occurs in abusive relationships. The abuser might, for example, try to convince their victim that they are at fault for making the abuser angry or lie about any past arguments to make the victim out as the actual abuser.
How Does Gaslighting Start?
Gaslighting can be hard to spot even if you're well-versed and informed about mental health.
A relationship might start very exciting. A romantic partner shows lots of interest, is exceptionally kind, and very generous. This honeymoon phase is called “love bombing.” It's also a strategy cult recruiters use to endear members to other cultists.
Signs That Someone Is Gaslighting You
Once someone is endeared to the abuser, the gaslighting can begin. Some common signs involve:
Always being at fault in any argument.
Feeling like you are slowly losing a grasp of reality.
You don’t feel like you can safely disagree or have a differing opinion on anything.
You are told how you should feel.
Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences are constantly ignored or minimized.
Being constantly accused of lying or trying to hurt the other person.
What is the Difference Between Gaslighting and Disagreement?
Another way to recognize when you're being gaslighted is to understand how it differs from a disagreement or an argument. Here are some differences to be aware of:
In a disagreement, you can question someone’s facts during a discussion.
The person you might disagree with is also not trying to make you question your sanity, reality, or perceptions. They are also interested in learning or hearing about your point of view.
You are allowed to question someone’s point of view out loud.
They might be communicating disrespectfully or poorly but aren’t necessarily trying to make you question reality.
It doesn’t always happen with that same person and doesn’t feel like an ongoing strategy.
Are Women More Likely to Experience Gaslighting?
While anyone can be subject to this abuse, women and people identifying as other marginalized genders are more vulnerable. Historically, women have had fewer rights than men and were expected to be subservient homemakers and mothers. Stepping out of line or complaining about abuse lead to many of these women being institutionalized and considered hysterical.
Even today, the stereotype that women are hysterical persists. Many people and institutions still hold deep-seated biases towards women that may make them less likely to be believed when they accuse someone of abuse.
They are less likely to be believed by doctors when presenting with pain and other medical disorders. For example, women with a debilitating disease called myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) — which causes extreme fatigue, pain, brain fog, and exercise intolerance — are still told that their medical condition is all in their head, even though scientific evidence suggests otherwise.
What should I do if I am being gaslit?
If you think that you are being gaslit, there are several things that you can start to do.
Compile evidence in the form of notes, screenshots, videos, or recordings that can help back up your side of the story. This can also help preserve your mental health and keep you from questioning yourself.
It can often be unsafe to confront an abuser directly. If you are in a volatile or dangerous situation, you may want to contact a trusted friend or loved one for help and find a safe place to stay. Once you are safe, you can focus on healing through therapy, support from loved ones, and self-care.
Can gaslighting be accidental?
In some cases, people may gaslight others without realizing that they are being toxic or abusive. However, whether or not someone is conscious of their abuse doesn’t matter - the important thing is that people can recognize this abusive behaviour, and leave toxic and volatile situations safely.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes victims question their experiences and sanity. In some cases, it can even occur within the medical setting. We hope this guide can help you recognize the signs and take the steps necessary to keep yourself safe from this abuse.
Please note that this post is written for educational purposes; it is not therapy. If you need to talk to a professional, please book a consultation with a psychotherapist through Resolvve.
